Skip to main content

Posts

How can my heart hurt anymore? What do I have to learn to stop the heart ache?

How can we say goodbye to someone that means the world to you? How do you let them go? The pain and hurt that we feel is so unreal. Grandma left this earth November 17, 2019. 9 months, and 15 days after Mom left.  Two women that helped to mold me into who I am today, left me.  They are no longer here to ask questions of, or laugh with, learn of the past from. They left. The pain of losing them will never leave me.  How could it?! They taught me to be the women I am today.  Grandma was someone who always excepted me. Always showed me how to love others. Listen to others.  Care for others.  Really, just to be there for others when I am needed.  The pain I feel is indescribable.  I have never had my heart broken like this before.  Never had to face anything so hard.  You see, I was so Blessed when it came to losing people I loved.  The first person I loved, that I remember losing, was my Grandfather, George. G randad was someone who was happy when he saw you.  He had a smile on his
Post a Comment
Read more
Recent posts

Letters from Mom

I was starting a new project today and came across a plastic filing cabinet that was not unpacked.  I had seen it for a while now but didn't really think much of it.  I am not sure what got me to unpack it today.  The first thing I did was cut the wrapping off and on the top of it was a letter.  I didn't think much of it until I saw the handwriting.  It was my moms'.  It was a letter written to me dated May 20, 2002.  I don't remember the letter and have no clue what was going on in my life at that time.  I don't remember the conversation Mom was talking about in the letter. I can say that I am glad I held onto the letter.  To be honest I tend to hold on the all letters written to me. I have a bunch from Mike and Grandma too. I am sure I have more from others as well.  Its funny how you don't think to keep things for later years. I am glad I am sentimental.  So in this letter, Mom tells me she is proud of me.  Right before I left to visit Sarah in New York, Mom
Post a Comment
Read more

Memories are a tricky little thing

Sometimes things are a little tricky. Memories brought on by an uneasy feeling or the last time you did something. Last time I was at mbs I was looking forward to my visit with Sarah and seeing friends in pa. That trip was cut short by my mothers passing. How can just looking out at the airport bring so many feelings. Each trip is going to hold that memory of leaving just to hurry back. This trip is to help my brother out in New Hampshire. I am glad to be able to help but also scared as to what might happen next. Grandma is in the hospital and I know her time is coming. She is 95. She has lived a wonderful life. She has had her ups and downs like we all do. She really is the strongest woman I know. She survived so much. Being a daughter to a single mom. She was born in 1924 not something that would have been easy for great grandma. She grew up on the streets of New York City. Her step father wasn’t always the nicest person to her. He was a drinker, as grandma would say. She remembered
Post a Comment
Read more

Letters from the Heart

How do I say goodbye to my mom. How can I do that and not hurt? Memories keep coming to me and I laugh or I cry mostly I cry. I cry because I didn’t write down that favorite recipe she always made when we came home. I cry because I should have had more patience with her. I cry because I won’t be able to sit and have tea with her. Ever. Never again. I cry for myself. I cry for my brothers. I cry for my children and their children. How do I make this hurt any less than it does? How do I make the tears stop flowing? Is there a way to make them stop? Maybe laughter. Maybe that is the way. Remember the good times. Remember hotdog soup. Remember frying pans knocking someone out. Remember the car rides to grandmas house. Remember the summer trips. Laughing helps but not for long. Family around me will be sure to help. Getting together and celebrating her. That will help. I now know that nothing will help. I think this hurt will last the rest of my life. I don’t want this. I want my mom.
Post a Comment
Read more

it all started with gummy worms.

February 2, 2019 another day that will be hard for me to forget. My mother, went home to be with her Lord and Savior. 4:00 in the afternoon. It has only been 5 months but it seems like yesterday. Why when sad, or crappy things happen do we tend to remember everything. Mom was in rehab for her leg. She fell down the basement steps on Ryan’s Birthday. Just the last two steps. She misjudged and thought she was on the last step but actually had 2 more to walk down. She broke her leg. Her tibia was split by her femur. We called 911 and had her taken to the hospital via ambulance. Mom remembered the women who arrived to take her to the hospital. She remembered the firemen that helped to carry her upstairs to the waiting in gurney. She remembered the emergency room. And the doctors she met there. She was transferred to the third floor to await surgery to fix the leg. She didn’t really remember that. She remembered the people who helped her but not being on the floor. She didn’t
Post a Comment
Read more

old emails

January 9, 2009 I wrote an email to myself.  Not sure what was going on in my life or why I sent an email to myself, but I did.   Reading the following email reminds me that I have doubted myself, put myself down, not been happy.  All things we don't seem to like.  I don't feel how I did when I wrote it.  I can see things differently.  Perhaps, I needed to feel the way I did to bring me to who I became. Downtimes can be just that, downtimes.  I can see that I try to do my best and sometimes I fail.  If I give up trying what do I have?   Times change, people change. We all grow for better or for worse.  That is up to us.  Learn from our past or get stuck in it. I am glad I chose to grow.  What will you chose? January 9, 2009 How can you go day by day and feel like you have accomplished nothing? I have been a mom now for 15 years. Since before I even got married, I have taken care of Ryan. I have to admit I really didn't do much for him. He was already potty trained, he
Post a Comment
Read more

First day of spring. REALLY?

  HAPPY FIRST DAY OF SPRING Well technically it is the second day of spring but really.  I get so tired of snow. Especially when the snowblower doesn't work and my son decided to play video games all night instead of shoveling.  I had to work yesterday into last night 3pm to 3 am.  It's an okay shift, I am always busy but I have no time during the day.  When I worked 7pm to 7 am at least I had time to do homework or laundry or maybe clean the house. (Well at least look like I was cleaning it).  Anyway, getting back to the reason I was talking about my work, Imy children were all home yesterday when I left. Watching tv and playing video games.  Knowing I come home at 4am I would have thought my children would have shoveled the driveway.  I mean they are 18 and 23. They know I come home really early. Come on how hard is it, really? to say I was not happy when I got home was an understatement. I drove over the huge pile of snow, compliments of the snow plow, at the end of
Post a Comment
Read more