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Okay Breathe

THIS POST WAS WRIITEN A LITTLE WHILE AGO AND I JUST NEVER PUBLISHED IT. I WASN'T SURE I WANTED TO MAKE MY HURT PUBLIC BUT GOD IS FOREVER FAITHFUL. I AM FILLED WITH HOPE. MAYBE THIS BLOG WILL HELP SOMEONE ELSE.



Well again I have not been keeping up with my blog. Life sometimes gets too busy and when I look up The year is almost gone. How does this happen. Do you remember in school how it took FOREVER for the year to end? Now the years are flying by. Although I am sure Sarah and Noah don't think they are.



Sometimes it has been difficult to stop and just breathe. However I am going to do that right now. I am going to breathe and get everything out. Mike lost his job last Dec and he hasn't been able to find another job. He did get to fly Oprah Winfrey. He enjoyed that opportunity but thats all it turned out to be, an opportunity. He has been getting a few trips here and there but nothing permanate. He is still looking and trusting God but it is getting difficult now. I don't know what Mike expected but I really expected him to get a job rather quickly. I was wrong. Please pray that he can get a job soon. I don't want to lose the house. I don't want to lose it for a few reasons but one of the main ones is that is where we brought Noah home. As I typed that I had an argument with myself. Thats not the reason because if Mike got a job in another state we would move. The reason is because I want the security in knowing that we have a place to live. I am having difficult time asking for help. I feel like I failed I guess if I have to ask for help. Not very nice when you think about it. I guess everyone needs a helping hand every once in a while. I didn't mind being on the other side but when you need help, I really struggle. A friend said to me today that I am a very compassionate person, I would give anyone anything they needed if I had it but now that we might need help I can't ask. I wonder why. Am I too prideful? Can I really not accept any help? I know that I don't want people to look at me and feel pity. Although I guess what I have to realize is that I have no control over what someone else feels. I can't make someone do something. I can only control myself. No one else. So why should it matter if I need help? I have no idea but in my head I can't ask for help.



Today we all went to church. I was looking foward to being in the sanctuary for the whole sermon because I don't teach anymore. Well the first song started and I just started to cry. No reason at all just came pouring out. I left the service and cried out in the narthex for about 20 minutes. I then decided to walk outside around the church. I was standing in the field praying when a squirel came right up to my feet. I guess he thought I was a tree because as soon as I moved my head he ran away. I am not sure how long I stood there but I guess pretty long since the squirel came up to me. It was funny. I had to laugh. Although this time period is difficult I know this is a small period in my life.


As you can see I have been writting in my blog but I haven't published them. I guess I have been embarasssed. I really don't know. Things seemed to pile up on me and I guess I needed a good cry. I am doing better now and although I remember the feelings very well I know that this season in my life will pass. I will become a better person because I did go through this season. God is with me and all I have to do is continue to believe that he will take care of my needs. I have to work at it as well but he is always there with me.

I have been reading my Bible and my favorite verse. Joshua 1:9. I have found a few others and will post them when I get another minute. (most likely wednesday night since I work 11pm to 7 am)

take care. Thanks for reading

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