How can we say goodbye to someone that means the world to you? How do you let them go? The pain and hurt that we feel is so unreal. Grandma left this earth November 17, 2019. 9 months, and 15 days after Mom left. Two women that helped to mold me into who I am today, left me. They are no longer here to ask questions of, or laugh with, learn of the past from. They left. The pain of losing them will never leave me. How could it?! They taught me to be the women I am today. Grandma was someone who always excepted me. Always showed me how to love others. Listen to others. Care for others. Really, just to be there for others when I am needed. The pain I feel is indescribable. I have never had my heart broken like this before. Never had to face anything so hard. You see, I was so Blessed when it came to losing people I loved. The first person I loved, that I remember losing, was my Grandfather, George. Grandad was someone who was happy when he saw you. He had a smile on his face. He loved ice cream and treating the grand kids to it as often as he could. Ever summer when we would visit Grandad would always go to Red Rooster or Carvel and get Flying Saucers. Smiles on our faces right from the start. When Grandad had a stroke and Grandma started taking care of him, I was a new mom and busy taking care of my growing family. I didn't really pay attention to what She, or Grandad, was going through. I never really Knew how hard it was for her. ( I am only guessing here, but I do know how hard it can be taking care of someone whom you love and who can't do everything they could do a few months or years ago. Grandad was very independent. He was a strong man who could do anything. (I know he wasn't superman. I know he couldn't leap tall buildings in a singe bound but to me, He was a very strong and able man.) You needed something built, Grandad could do it. You wanted something done, ask grandad. He was always there to lend a hand. So when he passed away, April 16, 2003, it was hard. He was a man who became my grandfather.
He didn't have to, but he wanted to. He asked my mother, when Teddy was born, (my oldest brother), if he could call him Grandad. Grandad was my mother's step-father. She was a teenager when her father died. She called Grandad, George. His first name. I smile when I think of how that conversation might have went. Here is this big strong man asking if he could be called grandad. I didn't know that he wasn't my biological grandfather until I was much older. It really didn't matter to me. He was and will always be, Grandad. I counted it an honor, to be there when he took his last breath in this world. Looking back, I see just how strong my Grandmother was. We all knew it was time for him to go. He was suffering and not able to get out of bed without help. He couldn't talk, couldn't communicate. I knew it was time and as much as it hurt that he was gone, it is nothing like this pain I have today. I imagine, grandma getting to heaven and having Charles, Grandad, her mother, her sister, my mother, there waiting to greet her. What a joyous reunion that was. People she truly loved all there with her. But I am now off topic really. After grandad died, I watched her. I watched her those first few days after grandad was gone. He died around the same time her first husband died. It was around Easter. I only know this because when I was going to get flowers for Granddad's funeral, Grandma told me that she hated Lilies. That was what was sent to her when Charles died. It wasn't a flower she liked from then on. So of course I didn't get lilies. That stuck with me though. Some things we will associate with death now. I will for ever look at lilies different. Grandma was very strong in her grief. I knew she cried. I was there. We would talk of Grandad or Charles and she would shed tears. We went on a trip and saw beautiful wood walls and grandma looked at me and said, Grandad would have loved this. For a moment we looked at each other then had to turn away, We both started to cry. Memories of a dear loved one, gone too soon. Grandma was always so strong. She was never one to wallow. Don't get me wrong, I know she had her moments, everyone does. I just don't know how often she did. Grandma and I would talk about everything. It was like we were best friends. Even if I couldn't put in to words how I was feeling she knew. Just as if she was having a hard time with something, I knew. Sometimes just showing up was all it took. Whether it was in person or making a phone call. Grandma and I had a special connection. I pray that I can be 1/2 the woman she was.
Again, I got off subject. This will happen about 20 more times I am sure! With all the loss that Grandma went through, I am in awe of how she handled it. How, can you lose your sister, husband, mother, another husband, brothers, a daughter and still have a smile on your face and a song in your heart? I have lost My grandfather, Nana, my mom and now her. My heart feels empty. I don't understand how people don't stay in bed crying. My grandfather was the first, and to be honest, I looked at it as he was ready to go. I get it. He didn't want to live like he was and his body was giving out. UNDERSTANDABLE. I was ready for him to go. I understood it. I have faith that I will see him again, walking and playing with all the dogs that went on before me. Nana was ready as well. I didn't like it. But I understood. I knew she was soo ready to see her Lord! It was peaceful when she left us. It was an honor to be with her as well. I will never forget PRAYING her home! I understand it, I really do. I don't understand my mom, I don't understand how it all happened so fast. I don't get how for some it is peaceful and almost holy and with my mom it wasn't. How come she had to go so fast. How come she couldn't stay? How come I have so many feelings now that she is gone? I told Grandma that I was glad she was still here after mom left. How could I handle both of them leaving at once? How can this pain get any worse? Mom was only 75. she was young. Grandad was 73. Grandma had a wonderful life, she was 95. I was blessed to have her as long as I did. Are we ever satisfied with how long we have our loved ones? probably not. 95 is a long time, I had her for 51 years. BLESSED is the only thing I can say. But it doesn't help the pain. It doesn't take the feeling of selfishness I feel because I want them here with me. I know they are better off. I know that they can do all the things they could do before they got sick or older. I know all of these things but there is still a hole in my heart. My husband said that Grandma got through her grief because of her Faith in God. It helped her through it all. Grandma, I wish I had your Faith. I wish I could see everything through your eyes. I thought I had Faith, but right now I don't even know what that means any more. By no means am I writing any of this for pity or for someone to come in and fix everything and make it all better. I know that I have to make it better. I have to find out whatever it is I need to learn. I get it. I do, but my heart is still hurting. Is this even a fourth of what God felt when Jesus had died? Or when one of us that doesn't believe in him dies? Is this sorrow ever easy? All I can say is that, I am walking this journey now. I might not like it. I might not have asked for it, but I do know that I will learn from it. I know that I will still hurt and cry and maybe even scream and yell. However, I will be better on the other side of it all. I just have to put one foot in front of the other and go step by step. The reason I hurt so bad is because I was loved. For the tears are just a physical showing of love, when it has no place to go.
Again, I got off subject. This will happen about 20 more times I am sure! With all the loss that Grandma went through, I am in awe of how she handled it. How, can you lose your sister, husband, mother, another husband, brothers, a daughter and still have a smile on your face and a song in your heart? I have lost My grandfather, Nana, my mom and now her. My heart feels empty. I don't understand how people don't stay in bed crying. My grandfather was the first, and to be honest, I looked at it as he was ready to go. I get it. He didn't want to live like he was and his body was giving out. UNDERSTANDABLE. I was ready for him to go. I understood it. I have faith that I will see him again, walking and playing with all the dogs that went on before me. Nana was ready as well. I didn't like it. But I understood. I knew she was soo ready to see her Lord! It was peaceful when she left us. It was an honor to be with her as well. I will never forget PRAYING her home! I understand it, I really do. I don't understand my mom, I don't understand how it all happened so fast. I don't get how for some it is peaceful and almost holy and with my mom it wasn't. How come she had to go so fast. How come she couldn't stay? How come I have so many feelings now that she is gone? I told Grandma that I was glad she was still here after mom left. How could I handle both of them leaving at once? How can this pain get any worse? Mom was only 75. she was young. Grandad was 73. Grandma had a wonderful life, she was 95. I was blessed to have her as long as I did. Are we ever satisfied with how long we have our loved ones? probably not. 95 is a long time, I had her for 51 years. BLESSED is the only thing I can say. But it doesn't help the pain. It doesn't take the feeling of selfishness I feel because I want them here with me. I know they are better off. I know that they can do all the things they could do before they got sick or older. I know all of these things but there is still a hole in my heart. My husband said that Grandma got through her grief because of her Faith in God. It helped her through it all. Grandma, I wish I had your Faith. I wish I could see everything through your eyes. I thought I had Faith, but right now I don't even know what that means any more. By no means am I writing any of this for pity or for someone to come in and fix everything and make it all better. I know that I have to make it better. I have to find out whatever it is I need to learn. I get it. I do, but my heart is still hurting. Is this even a fourth of what God felt when Jesus had died? Or when one of us that doesn't believe in him dies? Is this sorrow ever easy? All I can say is that, I am walking this journey now. I might not like it. I might not have asked for it, but I do know that I will learn from it. I know that I will still hurt and cry and maybe even scream and yell. However, I will be better on the other side of it all. I just have to put one foot in front of the other and go step by step. The reason I hurt so bad is because I was loved. For the tears are just a physical showing of love, when it has no place to go.
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