Letters from the Heart

How do I say goodbye to my mom. How can I do that and not hurt? Memories keep coming to me and I laugh or I cry mostly I cry. I cry because I didn’t write down that favorite recipe she always made when we came home. I cry because I should have had more patience with her. I cry because I won’t be able to sit and have tea with her. Ever. Never again. I cry for myself. I cry for my brothers. I cry for my children and their children. How do I make this hurt any less than it does? How do I make the tears stop flowing? Is there a way to make them stop? Maybe laughter. Maybe that is the way. Remember the good times. Remember hotdog soup. Remember frying pans knocking someone out. Remember the car rides to grandmas house. Remember the summer trips. Laughing helps but not for long.
Family around me will be sure to help. Getting together and celebrating her. That will help. I now know that nothing will help. I think this hurt will last the rest of my life. I don’t want this. I want my mom. There was so much left unsaid. So much stuff to continue to do. Why now. Why not next year. Why not in 2 years. My heart won’t be whole again. Not ever.

Will these tears ever stop? Will I be able to think of my mom and remember her without the tears ?
She is way to young to go. She had more to do.
Copd sucks.




Sometimes I just want to pick up the phone and call you. Those are the times that I look at my phone and remember. I wish you were still here. I wish I could just talk to you for a mi Ute, although it wouldn’t be enough. Even if I had you for another year. That wouldn’t be enough. I am thankful for you mom. I am thankful for the lessons you have taught me. Even the ones that were hard to teach. I know that I didn’t always make it easy.