January 9, 2009 I wrote an email to myself. Not sure what was going on in my life or why I sent an email to myself, but I did. Reading the following email reminds me that I have doubted myself, put myself down, not been happy. All things we don't seem to like. I don't feel how I did when I wrote it. I can see things differently. Perhaps, I needed to feel the way I did to bring me to who I became. Downtimes can be just that, downtimes. I can see that I try to do my best and sometimes I fail. If I give up trying what do I have?
Times change, people change. We all grow for better or for worse. That is up to us. Learn from our past or get stuck in it. I am glad I chose to grow. What will you chose?
January 9, 2009
How can you go day by day and feel like you have accomplished nothing? I have been a mom now for 15 years. Since before I even got married, I have taken care of Ryan. I have to admit I really didn't do much for him. He was already potty trained, he ate by himself. He crawled around from place to place. I really didn't teach him anything that really matters. I have really been a babysitter to him. Not really a mom. He learned everything he needed to before me. Or BM as I have oftened referred to that time period. You know the funny thing is I really thought I was teaching him things. I thought I was his mom. Nope not by a long shot. I think he would be the same kid if I didn't come into his life. Maybe a better kid. Now Sarah and Noah I did teach. I did have a say in how they were taught and even what they were taught. They are both great kids. They know when they have done something wrong and most of the time they own up to it. I see in my precious daughter compassion. She called a girl a "bad" name a few weeks ago and felt pretty horrible afterwards. She came home and when she saw me she started to cry. Not that little tears streaming down her face but the kind you need to catch your breath crying. She had told me what she did which wasn't easy. (Come on you call another girl, who you don't even know, a curse word and you go tell your mom?) I could tell that she wanted forgiveness but I told her it wasn't mine to give. She called up a friend who knew this other girl and told her what had happened. She aplogized and asked the friend to tell the other girl. I can't say I know what happened but I do know Sarah learned a very valuable lesson. She learned how bad it really feels to do things that are wrong. She also learned how compassion really works. I think that is soooo important. Sarah is turning into a beautiful young lady. She is growing up. I might have had a very small hand in how she is now but it was very small. Do you think God makes us who we are? Would Sarah still be as compassionate as she is if she was raised by someone else?
Noah is sometimes a handful. It is hard to see him doing what I wish he wouldn't. When I was growing up I NEVER would have asked to do some of the things he does. Even at Church he wants to sing in the praise band. He has asked quite a few times if he can. I love to sing as we all know but never would I have the courage to really go and sing. I was always wanting someone to say " way to go Trish! Great voice" but I never would "put myself out there". I am not sure why I feel like I have accomplished nothing with my life. I have a great family. My kids are my world. So why am I having such a hard time now? All I ever wanted was to be a mom. But am I even a good one? I have been looking for a job and can't find one. I have even applied at the grocery store. Nope they don't want me either. So who does? My children are all growing up, I have nothing to do during the day so I do nothing. I am not even motivated to clean up my house. I put so many things off and don't even start projects. I have to say that someone from church just said to becca that I am a foster mom who is in it for the money. That I appear to be one of those fosterparents you hear about on the news. Wow I didn't know I was disliked so much. Becca stood up for me and said that she doesn't even feel like I am a fostermom but her mom. She told this person that I have always treated her like she was my daughter. Why does it hurt so much that a "20 year old child" hates me? Is it because the only thing I ever wanted to be was a mom and she is saying I stink at it? That I can be so mean and nasty like those foster parents you hear about on the news? I can say that it hurts a lot. So much so that I question everything now. Not because I value what this child says but because it questions me as the only thing I ever wanted to be a mom. I guess I stink at that too. How come it hurts when someone else says bad things about you? Is it because I feel the same way too? Maybe what they say is truthful? Heck, I don't know. I just know that what the 20 year old said hurts. I am a person who cares what others say. I know that everyone will not like me. I get that. But if you don't even know anything about me why be mean? Why say cruel things and hurt others? I know we all can't get along but shouldn't we try? Even friends don't like each other all the time.
Right now I hate my life! Mike lost his job, I never finished anything I started. I feel like all I do is sleep eat and drive kids to where they need to go. Pick up kids and start all over again. I am going to an interview on monday knowing that I won't get the job or worse I will get it only to find out I won't be able to go thru the trainings. So why should I bother. I would like to go to school but then again we don't have the money. See what I mean? I have a useless life. Who would miss me if I wasn't here? Have you ever thought about that? Really other than your children would anyone really notice? I need to make clear right now NO I am not thinking of killing myself. Just making a comment. Would anyone be sooooo upset? I can be replaced. Probably quicker than you can bury me. I thought I would go out into the world and make a difference to someone anyone. Nope. Thought I could change things. Nope not me. I am just someone in that crowd.
I don't even have the nerves to say to my mom, who thinks I am really good at longaberger, that I am only selling as much as I do because Gene passed away. It has nothing to do with me. It just stinks that I can't do anything great. Nope don't say sunday school because I don't do that great either. I just throw that together and rely on Dave to throw in the bible passages. I really am not good at anything. What do I enjoy? Who knows. I don't. I remember being a kid in sunday school. Not sure what church but I remember being in a childrens church and the teachers asked us to draw whay we wanted to be when we grew up. I was so happy and drew a christain singer. I listened as everyone was asked what they wanted to be. They all said things like a doctor, lawyer, teacher. You know a real profession. When it was my turn I didn't want to say a singer because I didn't want to get made fun of so I think I said a lawyer. Do I still want to be a singer? I don't know. I don't have any idea what I want to do. I want. ........
Who knows. What am I good at? Nothing really. I can sew but I'm not great. I can do crafts but not hard ones. I can scrapbook sometimes but not really. I can type but often have to go back and correct my mistakes. I like being a mom but then again others see me as stinking at that job. So really what do I do? I guess just go on the same way I have been. Rely on mike to get a job and pray we can make ends meet?
Times change, people change. We all grow for better or for worse. That is up to us. Learn from our past or get stuck in it. I am glad I chose to grow. What will you chose?
January 9, 2009
How can you go day by day and feel like you have accomplished nothing? I have been a mom now for 15 years. Since before I even got married, I have taken care of Ryan. I have to admit I really didn't do much for him. He was already potty trained, he ate by himself. He crawled around from place to place. I really didn't teach him anything that really matters. I have really been a babysitter to him. Not really a mom. He learned everything he needed to before me. Or BM as I have oftened referred to that time period. You know the funny thing is I really thought I was teaching him things. I thought I was his mom. Nope not by a long shot. I think he would be the same kid if I didn't come into his life. Maybe a better kid. Now Sarah and Noah I did teach. I did have a say in how they were taught and even what they were taught. They are both great kids. They know when they have done something wrong and most of the time they own up to it. I see in my precious daughter compassion. She called a girl a "bad" name a few weeks ago and felt pretty horrible afterwards. She came home and when she saw me she started to cry. Not that little tears streaming down her face but the kind you need to catch your breath crying. She had told me what she did which wasn't easy. (Come on you call another girl, who you don't even know, a curse word and you go tell your mom?) I could tell that she wanted forgiveness but I told her it wasn't mine to give. She called up a friend who knew this other girl and told her what had happened. She aplogized and asked the friend to tell the other girl. I can't say I know what happened but I do know Sarah learned a very valuable lesson. She learned how bad it really feels to do things that are wrong. She also learned how compassion really works. I think that is soooo important. Sarah is turning into a beautiful young lady. She is growing up. I might have had a very small hand in how she is now but it was very small. Do you think God makes us who we are? Would Sarah still be as compassionate as she is if she was raised by someone else?
Noah is sometimes a handful. It is hard to see him doing what I wish he wouldn't. When I was growing up I NEVER would have asked to do some of the things he does. Even at Church he wants to sing in the praise band. He has asked quite a few times if he can. I love to sing as we all know but never would I have the courage to really go and sing. I was always wanting someone to say " way to go Trish! Great voice" but I never would "put myself out there". I am not sure why I feel like I have accomplished nothing with my life. I have a great family. My kids are my world. So why am I having such a hard time now? All I ever wanted was to be a mom. But am I even a good one? I have been looking for a job and can't find one. I have even applied at the grocery store. Nope they don't want me either. So who does? My children are all growing up, I have nothing to do during the day so I do nothing. I am not even motivated to clean up my house. I put so many things off and don't even start projects. I have to say that someone from church just said to becca that I am a foster mom who is in it for the money. That I appear to be one of those fosterparents you hear about on the news. Wow I didn't know I was disliked so much. Becca stood up for me and said that she doesn't even feel like I am a fostermom but her mom. She told this person that I have always treated her like she was my daughter. Why does it hurt so much that a "20 year old child" hates me? Is it because the only thing I ever wanted to be was a mom and she is saying I stink at it? That I can be so mean and nasty like those foster parents you hear about on the news? I can say that it hurts a lot. So much so that I question everything now. Not because I value what this child says but because it questions me as the only thing I ever wanted to be a mom. I guess I stink at that too. How come it hurts when someone else says bad things about you? Is it because I feel the same way too? Maybe what they say is truthful? Heck, I don't know. I just know that what the 20 year old said hurts. I am a person who cares what others say. I know that everyone will not like me. I get that. But if you don't even know anything about me why be mean? Why say cruel things and hurt others? I know we all can't get along but shouldn't we try? Even friends don't like each other all the time.
Right now I hate my life! Mike lost his job, I never finished anything I started. I feel like all I do is sleep eat and drive kids to where they need to go. Pick up kids and start all over again. I am going to an interview on monday knowing that I won't get the job or worse I will get it only to find out I won't be able to go thru the trainings. So why should I bother. I would like to go to school but then again we don't have the money. See what I mean? I have a useless life. Who would miss me if I wasn't here? Have you ever thought about that? Really other than your children would anyone really notice? I need to make clear right now NO I am not thinking of killing myself. Just making a comment. Would anyone be sooooo upset? I can be replaced. Probably quicker than you can bury me. I thought I would go out into the world and make a difference to someone anyone. Nope. Thought I could change things. Nope not me. I am just someone in that crowd.
I don't even have the nerves to say to my mom, who thinks I am really good at longaberger, that I am only selling as much as I do because Gene passed away. It has nothing to do with me. It just stinks that I can't do anything great. Nope don't say sunday school because I don't do that great either. I just throw that together and rely on Dave to throw in the bible passages. I really am not good at anything. What do I enjoy? Who knows. I don't. I remember being a kid in sunday school. Not sure what church but I remember being in a childrens church and the teachers asked us to draw whay we wanted to be when we grew up. I was so happy and drew a christain singer. I listened as everyone was asked what they wanted to be. They all said things like a doctor, lawyer, teacher. You know a real profession. When it was my turn I didn't want to say a singer because I didn't want to get made fun of so I think I said a lawyer. Do I still want to be a singer? I don't know. I don't have any idea what I want to do. I want. ........
Who knows. What am I good at? Nothing really. I can sew but I'm not great. I can do crafts but not hard ones. I can scrapbook sometimes but not really. I can type but often have to go back and correct my mistakes. I like being a mom but then again others see me as stinking at that job. So really what do I do? I guess just go on the same way I have been. Rely on mike to get a job and pray we can make ends meet?
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