it all started with gummy worms.

February 2, 2019 another day that will be hard for me to forget. My mother, went home to be with her Lord and Savior. 4:00 in the afternoon. It has only been 5 months but it seems like yesterday. Why when sad, or crappy things happen do we tend to remember everything. Mom was in rehab for her leg. She fell down the basement steps on Ryan’s Birthday. Just the last two steps. She misjudged and thought she was on the last step but actually had 2 more to walk down. She broke her leg. Her tibia was split by her femur. We called 911 and had her taken to the hospital via ambulance. Mom remembered the women who arrived to take her to the hospital. She remembered the firemen that helped to carry her upstairs to the waiting in gurney. She remembered the emergency room. And the doctors she met there. She was transferred to the third floor to await surgery to fix the leg. She didn’t really remember that. She remembered the people who helped her but not being on the floor. She didn’t remember the Dr who fixed her leg. She remembered his name but not him. After the surgeon fixed her leg, mom was sent to rehab. I was lucky and was able to take a tour of a few places before sending mom to one of them. We settled on Brittany Manor. She was able to have her own room and privacy she wanted. She was doing well, sometimes having setbacks but all was going well. She was trying her best. She was able to come home for Christmas day. She did well transferring to the car and even let Noah and Mike pick her up to come inside the house. She enjoyed opening presents and even got a special one from Mike, a necklace that said mom, her eyes weld up with tears as she looked at it. It was almost as if she knew how much she was loved at that moment. We had dinner of her favorite things and then it was back to the rehab. I visited mom almost every day. There was only one day I didn't make it because of snow. Mom knew I didn't like to drive in the snow. I spoke to her daily by phone. She was excited that she was going to be coming home February 4.

I was with Sarah and family in New York for the week before mom came home. I was happy to leave and see Sarah. I was excited to visit Sandy in PA. I was so excited to see Grandma and Aunt Denise and Kelly. The first few days I spent with Sarah, text with mom a few times, even talked with her. After a few days I went to Pa and visited with Sandy. She was nice enough to let me borrow her car to go visit Grandma. I got to spend the night with her in her apartment. We played skipbo and talked. I enjoyed that visit. At 5:00 am my phone was ringing. It was my Mom's ring tone. I laughed and thought of course you would call me at 5am. Never thinking something was wrong. I answered the phone to hear, Is the Patricia? I am a doctor at Midmichigan Health. Your mom is here in the emergency room. We are concerned about her heart rate. It is very high. The breathing Doctor will come help with your moms breathing but we are most concerned about her heart. Of course I listened intently. I was told they would keep me informed and do all they can. I remember telling Grandma that mom was in the hospital and that the dr was concerned about her heart. I got a call from mike and he said that mom was having a hard time breathing. The rehab called the ambulance and sent her to the er. Again, I only thought that it was her heart. Mom could come back from that. They have her in the hospital, they can monitor her. I said good bye to grandma and started on my way to Aunt Denise's home. I was going to have lunch with her and Kelly. I had called about mom's condition while I was on my way to Aunt Denise's, I was told her Troponin levels were high. The first reading and the second one. The levels show she was having heart problems. When I got to Aunt Denise's I told them what was happening. We laughed, we cried, just talking about old times and our lives. As we were sitting at the kitchen table I got another phone call. A phone call, that changed my life. I remember sitting there and the Dr told me that Mom wanted to be taken off the bipap. (An instrument that helps with breathing) He said Mom didn't want to be intubated. I told him yes that is what her living will stated. He told me that she might need it. She might be okay but that she would have a better time if she was on it. I said okay but that is her choice. He said okay that it might just be harder for her to recover. We hung up and the phone rang again. It was the doctor again asking me if I wanted her put on hospice care. (That's not what he called it but that's what he meant) I said what? I thought you said she was going to get better? I didn't know it was this serious. I didn't know that she was going to die. He gave me hope. The first dr gave me hope. There was no hope. I called my husband, my brothers, Sarah, my friend Sandy. I had to get home. I had to be there with my mom. The worst feeling to have is that you can't be where you are needed. I called all night asking about my mom. I was told she would not be here when I arrive. I prayed she was. I prayed that God would let me be there with her. I prayed that Mom would wait. I had so much to say. I wanted forgiveness,
  I wanted to tell her I loved her. I wanted my mom. I wanted to just shake her and say NOT NOW! I just wanted my Mom. I remember not sleeping well. I remember being in the airport waiting for our flight to board. I remember how odd it was that my world was crumbling while others were laughing and talking. I had feelings of hurt, anger, rage. I wanted the world to stop, if only for a moment so that all would be right with the world again of course, that doesn't happen. Life is continuous. Never stopping. I can recall getting to Detroit and see my oldest brother. Teddy and Kyong saw Sarah and I and called our names. I felt relief that Teddy was there. He is the oldest he can get mom to stay. Isn't that what the oldest does? Makes hard situations easier? I was happy to get to Midland Airport and get off the plane. I couldn't wait to get to the hospital to talk mom into staying. To get all the treatments needed. But when you walk into a hospital room and see a frail, small woman laying in a big bed you know that won't be happening. Mom looked so small in that hospital bed. She looked uncomfortable and like she was hurting. It was then that I knew she had to go. In that moment, I realized she tried to stay but that she would be in so much pain if she stayed. She was ready, but I was not. I never left the hospital until my mom did. I stayed with Paul in the hospital while everyone else went to get some sleep. Mike and Noah had been taking turns up at the hospital until we could all get there. (They had done so much. I am forever grateful.) Mom woke up at one point in the night and was a little agitated. Paul said mom it's okay I'm here and she looked at him and smiled. A real big "wow you are here" smile came across her face. Not once but twice. It was really nice to see her smile. If just for that moment she was so happy!

Mom didn't pass until the next day (Saturday) at 4:02pm. She had all her kids with her and Ryan, Sarah Noah and Mike as well. I hope she knew we were there. I hope she knew she was loved. I pray she entered Heaven with that Smile across her face.

Sometimes it still feels like she is here with me. I will pick up my phone and go to call her, then remember she won't answer. I don't think you ever get over someone's death. But I think you learn to live with it. There are still days that I cry. Days I want to scream and yell. Days I really don't want to do anything but cry. Those days I pick up her picture say whatever I need to say and then go on. It doesn't mean I have forgotten her, or that everything is great, but it does mean that I was loved and I loved her. It wouldn't hurt so much if I was never loved by her. So as much pain as it is, I can say I am lucky to have been loved.